If your tendency is to rail against the federal government, arguing against federal oversight and intervention, then you cannot be considered an American patriot. You can be considered a state or local patriot, but you are not actually nationalist because you aren’t all that fond of thenation.

This same rule applies to you if you make snide remarks about the left coast or flyover country. If you believe that the country would be better if certain areas of it were blasted by tornados, then you cannot be said to be a patriot.

Finally, if you believe that the best way to deal with various national crises is to threaten secession (personal or community), hunkering down in a bunker with a gun and canned foods, you are not a patriot. I don’t care if you have a framed copy of the constitution signed by Reagan himself. You are nothing like Reagan, you are a nut, a loon, and a separatist; ergo, you are not a patriot.

It has been my pleasure to provide you with this helpful guide. Please feel free to turn to me for more advice regarding how you out to behave in public or on the internet. You’re welcome.